When You Shouldn’t Use a Mirror

We’ve all encountered them—the “me-first” communicators who treat conversations like personal press conferences. Ask them how their weekend went, and you’ll get a ten-minute recap of their triumphs, traumas, and breakfast choices. Ask a follow-up question and you’re likely to be redirected back to them faster than a GPS recalculating your route.

Self-focused communicators don’t always mean to steamroll a dialogue. Some are simply unaware and don’t know how to read the room. Others are anxious, filling the silence with self-talk. And some? They just love the sound of their own voice. But regardless of intent, the result is the same: conversations feel one-sided, draining, and ultimately disempowering.

I like to picture the self-focused communicator as one who sits in a room full of people with a mirror in their hand. While others are looking around, eager to engage with one another, they are looking at themselves in the mirror, enthralled by what only they can offer the room. The mirror is prohibiting them from any chance of good communication.

In short, some people talk at you, while others speak with you. The self-focused communicator redirects every topic back to themselves, interrupts or dominates airtime, and rarely asks meaningful questions – leaving others feeling unseen, unheard, and unimportant.

Rather than being a self-focused communicator, we want to be a present listener.

The Present Listener has become a rare breed. While self-focused communicators center conversations around themselves, present listeners do the opposite.

The Present Listener will:

- Tune in fully—no multitasking, no half-hearted nods.

- Ask thoughtful, follow-up questions that deepen the exchange.

- Focus on what you mean, not just what they want to say next.

- Treat dialogue as collaboration, not competition.

- Leave you feeling heard, remembered, and respected.

 They don’t always speak the loudest, but they’re the ones people gravitate toward—because real connection feels like a warm room in a cold world.

Being self-aware and genuinely caring about others around us can help us all put down the mirror and be present. If you feel that you are speaking too much and listening too little, here are a few tips:

- Pause before jumping in 

- Ask twice as many questions as you answer 

- Reflect (pausing to consider what the other person is sharing), instead of reacting (responding instinctively).

Healthy communication isn’t a performance—it’s a presence. 

Let go of the mirror. Look around the room, see who’s there, and let them be heard.

For more on being a good listener, check out my last blog post, What McDonald’s Teaches Us About Listening.